May 15, 2009

I made a decision today to live my life by faith. I also decided to write about my experiences openly in the blogging world. I haven't told anyone that I am doing this, but I really feel that this "journaling" will be a great way for me to keep on track as well as be a testimony one day for others.

There is a knowing inside of me that everything will always work out the way it's supposed to. The truth is, right now, times are a bit tough. I don't like to think much about it because I choose not to put my energy in that direction, and once again, I also know deep down, everything will work out just fine. Of course, I have those moments where I get into my head and think of all the things that are getting me down. Those thoughts usually take me down the same road where I end up feeling a bit sick to my stomach, frustrated and sad at the same time. I left my job after our second child was born, which was a decision I felt was right, but it's left us in a bit of a financial mess. Before I formally left my job, I wrote down on a sheet of paper a list of other ways I could earn money and be home with my children. I felt confident that those other ways would provide income and all would be good. The reality is that it has been taking longer than I anticipated. I get frustrated with myself because I can't seem to find the time to get organized on my new ventures. Don't get me wrong, I love being home with my kids. I love taking them places and playing with them and being there for them throughout the day and getting to experience them, but it sure etches away at the quiet time I used to have to think, to organize things, to play around with my new ideas.

So that's why I am here. I said a prayer the other morning and the answer dawned on me....Put my trust in God. Ask Him to intervene every day and direct my path in the best possible direction to get my situation in a better place. I've been running around, as the expression says, like a chicken with my head cut off. I start one project, only to be pulled away by one of my kids needing something from me. When I do have a little bit of time, it's usually spent doing loads of laundry, picking up the house...the everyday things that I like to have done. I always tell myself...."I'll work on my business when my husband gets home." That never seems to happen. He doesn't get home most days until 6:00. Then it's dinner time, bath time, wind the kids down time and get them off to bed. After that, I like to have a little time to unwind myself and working at 8 or 9 at night is not what I have the desire to do. Sound familiar???? I know so many people struggle with this same setting, but I want to find a simple way out of it.

In a prayer years ago, I felt I was given the message of "simplicity." I know simplicity is the key in life. In this situation, my simple way out will be to ask God each day to direct my steps and to help me find the time to take the steps I need to. Instead of putting the pressure on myself to know what to do first during the 30 minutes that I may find during the day, I will trust that He will move it in me to feel what is most important.

Proverbs 3:5, 6 says trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding. In all ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your paths." So that's what I'm going to do.

When I ask myself what it is I truly want....ironically, it's not "money" that I feel is the answer. Although, logically that's what would seem should be the answer since our financial situation is what gets me down most. The answer for me is "peace." Peace and organization. When I think about my life right now, I feel a bit scattered, chaotic, unorganized, just not "me."

I am not a religious person. I don't care for the word "religion" because it makes me feel kind of trapped. In the past, I've substituted religious for saying I'm a spiritual person. Although that is true, I don't really care for that term either. What I do like is that I'm a person who lives by faith. I'm a person who really does believe in God and believes He is good. I'm a person who really wants Him to be at the center of my life and my family's life because I believe He will guide us in the most perfect way for us. This I love. I take extreme comfort in knowing and feeling this way.

I write this blog knowing that it may be read by some people who don't believe the same way I do. Please know that this is what works for me and that I appreciate other people know their truths to be different. I also write this blog feeling a little vulnerable and open that I am putting myself out here...but I also know that my purpose is to help other people become more faithful and hopeful. I don't know how I can be that kind of person without sharing my own experiences.

I attribute much of my belief and inner knowing of what God is to the teachings of my mother. She has a special gift to translate religious teachings to every day lingo. She has a gift to teach about God's goodness. She has always told me that when she was pregnant with me, she was touched by some dreams that she felt were from God. She told me that she believes I felt those dreams too and that her and I share a connection. I love that. I love that connected feeling. I love feeling like I've been touched in some way.

Years ago, I was flipping through the channels and was drawn into watching Joel Osteen. I was watching him long before his name became as popular as it is today. He does what my mom does. He puts God's message in every day terms and situations and motivates you from a heartfelt standpoint. Between my mother and Joel, that is who I have learned from spiritually.

I listened to one of Joel's messages today and what I took from it was to "see myself how God sees me." That is what I want to do. I asked myself...."how does God see me." What came to my mind was "as his child." I thought about this. I'm a parent and I love and adore my children. I love it when they are happy and appreciative. There isn't anything that I wouldn't do to make their quality of life anything than the best I could make it. If my children were struggling in some way and I could help and lead them in the best direction...I would. So I will try to think of myself in God's eyes the same way I see my children.

So I am going to end this blog today with the commitment to start my day off each morning asking God to be in control of my day. I've voiced my concerns to Him regarding our finances and how I am feeling trapped with the way things are and not enjoying this feeling. I am committing that each time I start to stress over that situation, I will remind myself that I have asked God to intervene and He will lead me in the right direction to make things better quickly. I will do my best to update this blog with my progress.

Blog Archive

June 13, 2009

Blog 4

I started this blog with the intention that each day I would post something to show how things were progressing....but with two young kids, work, and managing the home... I haven't been able to do this.
But rather than be upset at myself for not sticking to that plan, I choose to just do the best I can do. In my teachings as a coach, I stress the importance of removing things from people's plates rather than adding to it. So I have to be an example of this in my own life. It's far easier to look at someone else's situation and offer insight to them, but not as easy to do for myself. I am the first one to have a list of things to do. In some ways I enjoy being busy - but not to the point where I don't have peace and balance in life.
In any case, here's what's new. I am being a bit bold in my faith. I have debt. I have a lot of it. In terms of credit cards, I have more than what most people make in a year. Now... I have always been responsible with money and have never had to carry credit card debt. But, in the process of building a home, I thought it was a great idea to put many of the items on a credit card at 0% and earn miles and points and then later I'd wrap it into our home loan. Well, the housing market turned and that wasn't possible to do. In one way, perhaps it was good...because I know a lot of creditors have reduced or closed people's credit limits due to the market now. But this makes me very uneasy. It's not secure and it's a lot to not have fixed and it's not at 0% anymore. But, I've thought to myself, that's o.k. I will work really hard and plug away at this as fast as I can. Well, it hasn't happened quite as planned. I'm making dents, but not to the degree I want to be.
I have always believed God will take care of me. However, I feel I've limited this belief because I expect to get by. I don't expect for much more. But I don't want to live this way anymore. I want to expect more. I want to expect favor and abundance, and I want to know it was provided to me by means of being faithful.
So on the last day of May, I came up with a number to ask for within two months... a dollar amount that I wanted to unexpectantly come into. Now, I wasn't exactly comfortable with putting a time limit on this. Also, once I asked for this and put it out there, I started immediately doubting it and also trying to figure out how I can make this happen. That's where I have to stop and remind myself that true faith doesn't depend on me figuring out the how, I just have to trust and believe. I like recognizing this because it takes the pressure off me. I don't have a tremendous amount of faith on this, but I do believe I have faith as small as a mustard seed. Matthew 17:20 says "if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, nothing will be impossible for you." It also says "All things are possible with God." The time limit thing for me is important because I do have trust that God will take care of me "eventually," but I need to expand that and know that things can happen quickly. There's another scripture that says in James 4:2, "You do not have, because you do not ask God." So...there it is... I'm asking.
I have asked God to be in control of our finances. I have asked him to run my business. I do believe He will do this in the long scheme of things. I just would love for something to happen quickly.
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